You really know you love someone when all you want is for them to be happy, even if that means that you are not a part of it.
~*~
Oh what beautiful chaos you brought me that one fine evening I discovered our mutual fondness for milk tea. It wasn't even much of a moment, just a few minutes of small talk. But I knew right then and there, I was hooked. We began to talk more after that.
Slowly opened up to each other. Traded smiles and laughter, and later on, phone numbers. It was the start of something and I thought it was beautiful. I was in awe of you. How you captured my psyche with the simple sound of your voice, or how you woke my still drowsy mind everyday with one pop of "good morning". It was so simple. So easy to fall. But we both knew it was wrong even if it felt so right.
I was with somebody, and for a very long time for that matter. But to be honest, I've never felt the way I did when I was with you with her. Maybe it was our long-distance situation but whatever the case I felt my happiness was more genuine when I was just sitting there at the office coffee couch chatting with you. It was a connection I never really had with her. It felt awkward, even wrong but I fell in love with our connection. And before long, I realized that I had fallen in love with you. And it began to scare me. It scared me to become the one thing I vowed never to be as a man. Immoral. A man who would cheat in a relationship. I have never been that man and I promised myself and God that I never will. And then in time as we grew closer we came upon our revelations of our mutual feelings for each other. But I had to be the man I chose to be and set it straight. I chose her. I'm not sure why but I think it was more out of guilt. But it tore me up inside having to let my chance to be truly happy with you go. And with that decision you drifted away. Not really knowing how you felt. And the dark days followed. No more were our chats and pops. We were like strangers again. It devastated me. And only a few people knew about it.
I tried to focus on what I did have. Tried so hard to give her all the love that I wished I could give to you. But like what we had, it felt wrong. But I also didn't have the heart to tell her. So i did what any coward would do, I let what we had rot away. And by the time it did, she had had enough and was the one who ended it. I accepted it with a heavy heart, but not of what I've lost with her but more of what I did to end that way. I was alive but I was in hell. I had lost the two very dear people in my life just because of my indecision. All for the sacrifice of my own happiness. I knew I didn't deserve any of you. You didn't need to live with a coward. But after you lose everything dear to you, you tend to gain sight of what you must do. And I did. I then promised myself I would make myself worthy of their love and respect. Whomever it may be. I would become the man that they truly deserved. Even if it I knew it would be too late when I finally become that man.
But then, along the way came a few surprises. Soon, situations occurred that led us to talk again. And it was a good talk. I found out that you still had a flame for me in your heart. A very faint flame, but a flame nonetheless. And you gave me a chance to fan that flame. I was in heaven again. I didn't want to fail this time. I gave it my best but, alas, I still failed. And I never really knew the reason why. But I just respected your decision. Maybe I'm still not deserving for you. Maybe someone snatched your heart away while I wasn't looking. It's all in the territory, I know. It's a part of love.
But I stand here, now, battered and bruised but not beaten. You may have someone else now but that will not stop me from loving. You are still in my heart and always will be. I will patiently wait for the time I might get another chance to win your heart. If I do, that may be the last chance I'll ever have. If it comes I will make it count. If it doesn't, I will not hold a sour soul. My heart might break when I see your pictures kissing your groom on your wedding day but my smile for you will be real. You will be happy, with or without me, It is what I have prayed for and it will be done.
This is my love.
~ Anonymous
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