WHAT CAN I DO?

~Another entry for Juliet...

Could you please tell me, what would it take for you to turn my way again? To catch you stealing a glance at me just as I turn to steal one from you. To hear you ask me how I’m doing and seeing your expression as you truly anticipate an answer.
You, asking me how I am. 
You have no idea of the power you have over me. 
But as suddenly as you bludgeoned me with it, you ceased just as quickly. 
Would I need to get plastic surgery or workout for a year at the gym to improve my looks? 
Or maybe get a million views on viral video sites?
Do I need to build a multi-billion dollar company so that maybe you would incidentally purchase one of the many products I sell and find my name on the label?
Must I write a couple best-selling novels that you would chance upon at your next bookstore visit and see my picture on the back cover?
If I wrote a few songs inspired and dedicated to you and sold millions of copies and you might hear one of those songs being played on your cousin’s speakers, would that remind you I that still exist?
If I painted a masterpiece of a painting depicting my deep but sorrowful love for you, would that grab your attention? 
I just wish I knew.
So please tell me, how can I make you glance my way again?

To feel the utmost joy of just reading your message that you'd just got home and you had an exhausting day and you’d ask me if I’d gotten home too. And then ask me again how I was doing. I’d never get tired of that.

I’d always say ‘I’m okay’ or ‘I’m good’ even though I lied most of the time. 
Because, honestly, you made me feel wonderful just because you asked.  
I'd succumbed to it. 
Thrived on it. 

So what do I have to do to make you attack me again? 
What was it that turned you away?
Do I need to become a famous actor and get on primetime television just so you would accidentally channel surf on the show I was featured on?

~Anonymous

THIS IS A SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE!!!

“Maybe it’s dumb to look for signs from the Universe.  Maybe the Universe has better things to do.  Dear God, I hope it does!  Do you know how many signs I’ve gotten that I should or shouldn’t be with somebody, and where has it gotten me?  Maybe there aren’t any signs.  Maybe a locket is just a locket, a chair is just a chair.  Maybe we don’t have to give meaning to every little thing. Maybe we don’t need the Universe to tell us what we really want.  Maybe we already know that deep down.”

I gotta admit, I really love Ted on this scene!  I am a universe girl.  I asked for signs.  Little things are big deal to me especially when it has something to do with my special someone.  But Ted was right.  "Look where it got me!"  

Earlier this year, I went into the Northern part of the country for a 4-days trip.  This is a perfect time to be alone and to contemplate on things.  I've prayed for God to give me a sign if the love of my life is the right one for me. The trip was nothing but full of adventures and fun and in between those peacefully happy moments, I've found what I've been searching for... a sign! I heard someone mentioned a name that sounds like his.  I also saw his name printed on the back of a man's shirt.  I told myself that if I went back on that road again and I saw that man with the shirt again... then it's true!  Well... you can't imagine how happy I was when that happened!  I was full of hope!

Weeks passed, then I remembered how my heart was once filled with joy when I saw numerous heart-shaped clouds a year ago.  I saw one again, right outside the top of the building while we were exchanging thoughts and laughing.  I said to myself, it was a sign!

And everytime I saw his name in the movie credits, in my news feeds, or even in vehicles... my heart skips a beat.  I keep telling myself that it is a sign!  A sign for me to hold on... to have faith...

But look where it got me!  

These signs keep on coming... and maybe they are not signs at all.  Sometimes we only see what we wanted to see.  Maybe I just want for the universe to conspire with me.  Maybe I'm too desperate to be with this guy that I forgot to look at the reality.  I've been consumed with this make-believe fairy tale story and not long enough, it broke my heart and left me devastated.  He's been a big part of me and now all I see is a big hole in my chest.

The truth is we don't need people or even the universe to tell us what we want.  Cuz when we ask for it, we silently wish it was the same with ours.  

And sometimes we don't need all the answers in our lives.  We cannot control everything. Sometimes it's better to relax, go with the flow and see where the road will lead us.  And maybe...in time, our deepest desires will come true!

QUOTES COLLECTION #01

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LETTER FOR JULIET

You really know you love someone when all you want is for them to be happy, even if that means that you are not a part of it.

~*~

Oh what beautiful chaos you brought me that one fine evening I discovered our mutual fondness for milk tea. It wasn't even much of a moment, just a few minutes of small talk. But I knew right then and there, I was hooked. We began to talk more after that.

Slowly opened up to each other. Traded smiles and laughter, and later on, phone numbers. It was the start of something and I thought it was beautiful. I was in awe of you. How you captured my psyche with the simple sound of your voice, or how you woke my still drowsy mind everyday with one pop of "good morning". It was so simple. So easy to fall. But we both knew it was wrong even if it felt so right.

I was with somebody, and for a very long time for that matter. But to be honest, I've never felt the way I did when I was with you with her. Maybe it was our long-distance situation but whatever the case I felt my happiness was more genuine when I was just sitting there at the office coffee couch chatting with you. It was a connection I never really had with her. It felt awkward, even wrong but I fell in love with our connection. And before long, I realized that I had fallen in love with you. And it began to scare me. It scared me to become the one thing I vowed never to be as a man. Immoral. A man who would cheat in a relationship. I have never been that man and I promised myself and God that I never will. And then in time as we grew closer we came upon our revelations of our mutual feelings for each other. But I had to be the man I chose to be and set it straight. I chose her. I'm not sure why but I think it was more out of guilt. But it tore me up inside having to let my chance to be truly happy with you go. And with that decision you drifted away. Not really knowing how you felt. And the dark days followed. No more were our chats and pops. We were like strangers again. It devastated me. And only a few people knew about it.

I tried to focus on what I did have. Tried so hard to give her all the love that I wished I could give to you. But like what we had, it felt wrong. But I also didn't have the heart to tell her. So i did what any coward would do, I let what we had rot away. And by the time it did, she had had enough and was the one who ended it. I accepted it with a heavy heart, but not of what I've lost with her but more of what I did to end that way. I was alive but I was in hell. I had lost the two very dear people in my life just because of my indecision. All for the sacrifice of my own happiness. I knew I didn't deserve any of you. You didn't need to live with a coward. But after you lose everything dear to you, you tend to gain sight of what you must do. And I did. I then promised myself I would make myself worthy of their love and respect. Whomever it may be. I would become the man that they truly deserved. Even if it I knew it would be too late when I finally become that man.

But then, along the way came a few surprises. Soon, situations occurred that led us to talk again. And it was a good talk. I found out that you still had a flame for me in your heart. A very faint flame, but a flame nonetheless. And you gave me a chance to fan that flame. I was in heaven again. I didn't want to fail this time. I gave it my best but, alas, I still failed. And I never really knew the reason why. But I just respected your decision. Maybe I'm still not deserving for you. Maybe someone snatched your heart away while I wasn't looking. It's all in the territory, I know. It's a part of love.

But I stand here, now, battered and bruised but not beaten. You may have someone else now but that will not stop me from loving. You are still in my heart and always will be. I will patiently wait for the time I might get another chance to win your heart. If I do, that may be the last chance I'll ever have. If it comes I will make it count. If it doesn't, I will not hold a sour soul. My heart might break when I see your pictures kissing your groom on your wedding day but my smile for you will be real. You will be happy, with or without me, It is what I have prayed for and it will be done.

This is my love.

                                                                                                                                            ~ Anonymous

TU ME MANQUES

Insanity is creeping over.  I feel cold from head to toe.  There's a silent cry from within.  My mind still wonders why... this feeling I have for you never changes.  You're probably gone now and never coming back... so why am I still here?  You're still in every dream I have.  You're still in my thoughts everyday. And my heart still smiles when you look at me. 

I've been through this journey for so long and when I'm walking now... I missed you walking by my side.  I'm replaying those moments in my head and it brings me into tears.  My heart has been shattered into pieces and I'm picking them up to put myself together so when you come around, you can still see the smile from my face that you used to adore.

It's been a while.  Yes, I can see you but I can barely feel you.  I guess it's the worst way to miss someone. So near but yet so far.  Sometimes I thought I see the light in your eyes.  It makes me want to wish harder... 

I have friends, family and other people that I can talk to.  But I'd rather have those empty, nonsense conversations with you.  

I can go anywhere, do anything & be with anyone to pass my time but I'd rather waste my time with you! And I don't care if we were just sitting in the overpass or walking in the flood water as long as I'm with you.

What I'm trying to say is... I really missed you so bad that I wish I could go back to the days when we're really happy.  I wish it's not this hard... and complicated.  T_T   I just can't bear the pain of losing you cause I don't know what I am without you... And everyday, I hold on to that feeling that someday you'll come back for me...  I wish you'd come back for me...